Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 14
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
General Lazette…..Dan Aykroyd
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Hi! I’m Jane Curtin. Remember the last time I did “Weekend Update” from this desk? [ a beat ] Not tonight, I have a headache.
Our top story tonight: A report from Florida states that Anita Bryant plans to undergo a sex-change operation this Spring. The exact date will not be set until the popular TV personality decides which sex to change to. More on this story as it develops.
Well, beginning March 15th, “The Tonight Show”, starring Johnny Carson, will be broadcast live on the NBC-TV network. Carson, who has been doing this show dead for the past fifteen years, could not explain how he was going to make that transition.
The Greenwich Village Community Court, today, convincted the City of Cincinnati for obscenity, for their conviction of Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt. The Greenwich Village Court sentenced the people of cincinnati to live in Cincinnati.
Although President Carter has forbidden the drinking of hard liquor in the White House, he revealed this week that he doesn’t object to taking it intravenously. The President is shown here having a shot of bourbon to celebrate the birth of his new grandson.
Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly plant — pran — planning —[ Jane starts over ]
Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s Spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly planning a prison break, and repeatedly saying to himself, “Pass it on.”[ Jane shoves the news sheet across the desk ]
Pass it on.
Still to come: Bob Hope and Geral Ford announce wedding plans, after this word… from whoever![ dissolve to ad parody: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ] [ return to “Weekend Update” ]
Jane Curtin: The United States Defense Department has recently been test-flying the President’s new flying command post: a regular 747 airplane, which was converted for his use in case of a nuclear attack. “Update” has made arrangements to take its cameras onboard the aircraft. Let’s go now for a special report with Laraine Newman, somewhere above Washington.[ cut to Laraine Newman standing beside a Defense General inside the cockpit of a 747 ]
Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing inside the electric core of the Defense Department’s Executive Command Flying Post. With me is Major General Robert Lazette, who’s responsible for the maintenance of this complex aircraft. [ acknowledging the control panel behind her ] Uh, Mr. Lazette, what is this control panel that we’re looking at here.
General Lazette: Okay, this is a Warning Signal Transmitting Army Console — W-S-T-A-C. We call it STACY.
Laraine Newman: And, what is STACY’s function?
General Lazette: Uh, okay: in the instance of a nuclear confrontation, President Carter can be inside the plane and airborne within ten minutes. Now, through this console, he’s hooked into the Command Data Buffer System in Colorado. He can then program, cancel, and reset enemy targets… [ he flips a switch ] from onboard the aircraft.
Laraine Newman: I see. Well, General, with all of the flying weaponry, which would be airborne during a nuclear attack, isn’t a big airplane like this particularly vulnerable to, say, a small heat-seeking or laser-guided device?
General Lazette: [ stung ] Uh… y-yeah, I-I guess so… [ worriesome ] Now that you mention it, I…
Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman aboard the expensive and dangerous Flying Command Post. We’re taking it back —
General Lazette: [ defensively ] But you — you can see where it’s going to hit, on this little screen here! you can see it before it hits!
Laraine Newman: Mmm-hmm. Taking it back to you, Jane.
Jane Curtin: An “Update” Correction. Last week, we inadvertently reported that Supreme Court Justice Warren Burger won the 1958 Kentucky Derby. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Tom Snyder is actually one of a pair of Siamese twins, and his much smaller sister spends most of her time inside Tom’s shirt doing research for the “Tomorrow” show.
Hugh Bennet of St. Louis, Missouri is suing the Food & Drug Administration for one million dollars. The 78-year old Bennett has an electronic pacemaker in his heart, which he says works great every time, except, when he sneezes, his garage door opens up. His case will be heard later this month.
This just released: according to a United Nations report on international poverty, in certain Third World countries, Prince Spaghetti Day only comes once a year.
Our final story tonight: Foods & Computronics, a firm which orders meals for in-flight service for many airlines, was fined $3,000 by the Civil Aeronautics Board, because of a mix-up on an El El flight to Tel Aviv. Where there was supposed to be 250 meals, consisting of 185 koasher, 50 normal, and 15 vegetarian, due to a computer mix-up only 180 kosher, 42 normal, and 3 vegetarian meals were ordered. As a result, the remaining 25 passengers without meals were forced to beg scraps of the appropriate leftovers from other passengers, clogging the aisles and making the meal service an unpleasant and messy affair. Said passenger Isaac Singer: [ in thick Jewish accent ] “At least, Thank God, there was enough to go around! That’s right, we should all starve in the sky!”
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.