SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 12/11/76: Santi-Wrap


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa


…..Laraine Newman
…..Dan Aykroyd
Mall Santa…..John Belushi

[ open on Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd standing in line to see Santa Claus at the mall ]

Laraine Newman: I’m next!

Dan Aykroyd: [ laughing ] Are you sure you want to do this?

Laraine Newman: Sure! You know, I mean it’s crazy, this time of year does something to me, I feel like a little kid!

Dan Aykroyd: Make it quick, though – we’ve got a lot of shopping to do.

Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t be such a Scrooge. Where’s your spirit?

[ little girl steps off Santa’s lap and heads off ]

Mall Santa: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Laraine Newman: I’ll only be a minute.

Dan Aykroyd: Sure.

[ as Laraine steps up to Santa Claus, she unrolls some toilet paper which she proceeds to place around his lap ]

Dan Aykroyd: Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?

Laraine Newman: Relax! I said I’ll only be a minute..

Dan Aykroyd: What is this?

Laraine Newman: It’s for protection.

Dan Aykroyd: Toilet tissue?! You mean, you haven’t heard of Santi-Wrap? [ holds up red and green colored toilet seat protection sheet ] Sure.. Santi-Wrap – the colorful, decorative and hygienic way to protect yourself from germs carried by the likes of a part-time Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s so jolly, he’s smart, he knows if you’ve been sleeping – but do you know where he’s been sleeping?

Laraine Newman: [ sits up with a stir ] Oh, my goodness!

Dan Aykroyd: That’s just it, Look, Laraine – I love Santa just as much as anybody else, but, December 26th, Noel over here goes back to the Y.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Laraine Newman: But won’t toilet paper protect me?

Dan Aykroyd: Two-ply? Never. Not these germs. Let me show you.

[ show image of Santa’s bare leg ]

Dan Aykroyd: This is a picture of Santa’s leg. Seems normal. But look at the same picture magnified under a microscope.

[ show circular close-up of tiny little men sitting on a street corner, with little hairs surrounding the lens ]

Laraine Newman: Are those Santa’s helpers?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes, those are Santa’s helpers. And they’re communicable. Now, will you stop using the two-ply?

Laraine Newman: What a fool I’ve been! [ replaces her toilet paper with one Santi-Wrap sheet and sits ] Okay.. I want a car, and a refigerator, and –

Dan Aykroyd: Use Santi-rap, and I promise you won’t get one tick.. from jolly St. Nick.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho.. ho.. ho ho..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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