Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 23
Gilda … Gilda Radner
Jane … Jane Curtin
[Teenaged Jane sits lengthwise on a living room sofa,eating crackers and peanut butter. Her teen friendGilda enters, struggling to carry a huge tray of foodwhich she sets awkwardly on the coffee table in frontof the sofa. Jane picks at the food throughout thesketch.]
Gilda: Okay, Jane, that’s all my mom had left in thefridge.
Jane: That’s it?
Gilda: Yeah, well, the whole family’s on a diet.[joins Jane on the sofa] Move yer feet over. So, uh,what’d you let him, uh, get last night? A three or afour?
Jane: I can’t remember which is which. How’s it go?
Gilda: A three is over your shirt. A four is underyour shirt, over the bra. So which was it, a three ora four?
Gilda: Five? On the third date? You mean you let himhave a five? Oh, God.
Jane: I had to! Otherwise, he would have known I waswearing a padded bra.
Gilda: Oh, God.
Jane: Well, look, it’s embarrassing enough that youknow. You know what’s worse? Gym class. Do you knowhow long it takes to change underneath your slip? Andthat’s in front of girls.
Gilda: Why don’t you just stuff cotton in your bra andthen when – when he starts gettin’ romantic, you couldjust excuse yourself and go to the ladies’ room andtake it out?
Jane: How am I going to go to the ladies’ room in acemetery?
Jane: You know! He likes to park in a cemetery. It’squiet there. Nobody bothers us.
Gilda: Cemetery? Oh, God.
Jane: I wish you’d stop saying “God” — [mimics her]”Oh, God.” ‘Specially in front of my mother. Shethinks you’re a bad influence.
Gilda: Aw, well, that’s a laugh. Especially when yaget the highest marks in school.
Jane: That’s not what I mean.
Gilda: Have you seen it?
Gilda: You know … It.
Jane: No, I don’t know. What?
Gilda: You know … his, uh … Him. It. You know.
Jane: [gives her a withering look] That’s sodisgusting.
Gilda: I just want to know did you get a look at it.
Jane: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s toodisgusting.
Gilda: Come on, now. We’re supposed to be bestfriends. I – I just want to know what it’s like.
Jane: Okay, okay. … It’s not like anything.
Gilda: What do you mean it’s not like anything?
Jane: It’s just not like anything.
Gilda: How can it be not like any–? I don’t thinkyou’ve seen it.
Jane: Okay. It’s like a … It’s like a person.
Gilda: A fireman?
Jane: [can’t believe she’s so stupid] God.
Gilda: Oh, I don’t think you’ve seen anything.
Jane: You don’t have to see it.
Gilda: I thought he’d want you to.
Jane: I wouldn’t even if he wanted me to.
Gilda: You mean, you wouldn’t if he wanted you to?
Gilda: Even if you were going steady?
Jane: [thinks about it] No.
Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you anymore?
Jane: No, I wouldn’t.
Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you any moreand he asked you to give his ring back, you stillwouldn’t?
Jane: Nope. I would– Well, maybe if– No.
Gilda: Well, I would. I’d look at it if he wanted meto.
Jane: Let me set you straight. I don’t think they wantyou to. Besides, it’s dark in a cemetery.
Gilda: Well, then you have nothing to worry about.
Gilda: [pulls a cake off the tray and picks at itthroughout the rest of the sketch] Because, um, thenhe won’t be able to, uh, to see your chest and hewon’t know how flat you really are.
Jane: What does that mean?
Gilda: It means, stupid, that things happen to feelbigger than they look, you know, like when you have apimple on your face and you keep feelin’ it andfeelin’ it and it feels like it’s really big and thenyou look in the mirror and it’s not so bad after all -just like your breasts.
Jane: It is?
Gilda: Yeah, and another thing, you better, uh, youbetter not let him see you, uh, lyin’ down on yourback.
Gilda: Eh, ’cause they slip over to the sides intoyour armpits.
Jane: Oh, Gilda.
Gilda: [as Jane tears a piece off of Gilda’s cake] Asa matter of fact, uh, you better only let him see youwhen you’re up at the lake swimming.
Gilda: ‘Cause things look bigger under water, stupid.
Jane: Don’t call me stupid, stupid.
Gilda: Stupid yourself! [Jane bops Gilda in the nosewith a piece of cake] Oh, God. … I wish I had aboyfriend.[The two girls sit silently, glumly chewing their foodas we dissolve to a wider view of the set surroundedby the cameras and the applauding audience, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy”.]