SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 01/17/76: Samurai Deli


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Samurai Deli

Written by: Alan Zweibel

Samurai…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Delicatessen”.

Mr. Dantley: [enters deli ] Uh, can I have a sandwich, please?

[ Samurai holds his sword across the counter, yelling, then points at the “Take a Number Please” sign with his sword. Mr. Dantley pulls a number, as the Samurai yells various numbers. Finally, Mr. Dantley’s number is called. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yes. [ hands over his number ] I’d like to have acombination cold-cut sandwich. [ Samurai shouts ] Sure. Very lean on the corned beef. Sure. And a cream soda. All right.

[ Samurai busts the bread open with his head, then slices some cold cuts with sword ]

I’m sure glad I found you open. You know, most of the places are closed this late. Uh, can I have some Thousand Island dressing on that, please?

[ Samurai complies ]

I guess you can hardly wait for that ol’ Super Bowl tomorrow, huh? You know, I like Dallas, but I’m going to bet on the Steelers. The way I see it, if Bradshaw is hot tomorrow, and Franco Harris really gets the ball and runs.. could I have a little, uh, a little sliced tomato on that, please? [ Samurai slices a tomato in mid-air with his sword ] Anyway, like I said, if they let Harris handle the ball, if they keep it on the ground for a while and really move up there in that first quarter, no major injuries..

[ Samurai slides Mr. Dantley’s sandwich across the counter ]

Hey, listen, you do really fantastic work. That is gorgeous! Can you do me one little favor? Could you trim away some of the fat? I distinctly said, “No fat.” There’s a lot of fat hanging off it. [ Samurai shouts in disgust ] I, I really meant no fat and it’s, uh, it’s.. [ Samurai prepares to stab himself with his sword ] Hey! Oh, no, no! Wait a minute. Ah, don’t take it personally. It’s okay. Look, I probably.. I, I probably shouldn’t be eating that anyway because it’s filled with spices, it gives me heartburn. Oh, what the hell. You only live once.I’ll deal with the pain later.

[ Samurai withdraws his sword ]

Would it be, uh.. would it be too much to ask if you could cut it in half? [ Samurai screams, pulls out his sword, then carefully cuts the sandwich in half ] That’s absolutely beautiful. Thank you very much. That’s terrific. Ah, one other thing. Do you think you could break a twenty?

[ Samurai shouts, and slams his sword on the $20 bill, smashing the counter to bits ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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