Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
Bailout Press Conference
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen
Michael McCune…..Bobby Moynihan
Jerome Gant…..Kenan Thompson
Greg Phillips…..Bill Hader
Judy Phillips…..Anne Hathaway
Herbert Sandler…..Darrell Hammond
Marion Sandler…..Casey Wilson
George Soros…..Will Forte
[ open on C-Span graphic ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout that was just passed by Congress.[ dissolve to Bush, Pelosi, and Frank standing before reporters ]
President George W. Bush: Good afternoon. [ reading from notes ] On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences… and come together in a bipartisan spirit… to pass legislation that was absolutely vital… to ensre world confidence… in our financial markets… and to prevent a collapse in credit. Which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy. Approving this bill was the right thing to do… and I commend outr legislators for their actions. Speaker Pelosi?
Nancy Pelosi: [ she steps forward ] Thank you, Mr. President. I, too, applaud Congress for its vote, and add that, without your help, this bill might well have failed. [ Bush nods proudly ] Even though this financial crisis was 100% the fault of your administration… [ Bush adjusts his tie ] and it’s INSANE economic policies, and, though I’m sure you’ll agree, you WILL go down in history as our WORST president ever… this one time, you did manage somehow to not screw things up, and I want to acknowledge that.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Madam Speaker. I was glad to do it!
Barney Frank: Let me ADD, Mr. President… I was also pleased to see that, for the first time in your eight years in office, and, possibly, your ENTIRE LIFE, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency!
President George W. Bush: [ while waving to members of the press ] You bet. You bet.
Nancy Pelosi: [ returning to the front ] Let’s not forget, Mr. President, that it was the Democrats who first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging, and that your party resisted ALL our efforts to reign them in.
President George W. Bush: Wait, wait, wait! Wasn’t it MY administration that warned about the problem SIX years ago? [ Pelosi rolls her eyes nervously ] And it was the DEMOCRATS who refused to listen?!
Nancy Pelosi: W-what?! N-no. W-who told you that? That — that’s crazy! It’s completely the other way around!
President George W. Bush: Okay.
Barney Frank: [ whispering in Pelosi’s ear ] Uh, actually, this time — this time, he’s sort of right.
Nancy Pelosi: Shhh! Don’t say anything — he doesn’t know![ Frank nods ]
Nancy Pelosi: Now, there was another point we wanted to make here, and, uh, Mr. President, you are welcome to stay.
President George W. Bush: Thank you, I’d like that! [ he steps closer ]
Nancy Pelosi: Back there would be better.
President George W. Bush: No problem! [ he steps back, but mugs for the camera between Pelosi and Frank as they speak ]
Nancy Pelosi: In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets. What hasn’t been talked about is that, behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans. People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors. And, today, we’d like to introduce you to some of them. [ two young men step forward ] Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules, and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes. Please tell us your story.
Michael McCune: Uhhh, well… to start, I still don’t understand how this happened. I mean, I mean — I fot all the requirements for a subprime mortgage. Uhhh — no credit history…
Jerome Gant: Same here!
Michael McCune: …no job!
Jerome Gant: Me, neither!
Michael McCune: …minor criminal record!
Jerome Gant: Dit-to!
Michael McCune: …dishonorable discharge from the Army!
Jerome Gant: Yeah, I got mine right here!
Michael McCune: …uh, drug problems!
Jerome Gant: Me, too!
Michael McCune: …alcohol problems!
Jerome Gant: Guilty as charged!
Michael McCune: …gambling addiction!
Jerome Gant: Yeah!
Michael McCune: …pregnant girlfriend — actually, TWO pregnane girlfriends!
Jerome Gant: Just the one!
Michael McCune: Yeah. Well, anyway, I was talked into a “balloon mortgage”, where you move into the house, and then you get to live in it, and you don’t have to pay money or anything to the bank, but then, later, you DO!
Jerome Gant: Yeah! What up with that?!
Michael McCune: Yeah! I mean, you could say I’m a double-victim, since I’ve never had a job, and now I don’t have a home!
Jerome Gant: Well, I’m a triple-victim, ’cause I’ve also been charged with arson, for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.
Nancy Pelosi: You are — you are both in our thoughts. [ she hugs Michael, but avoids hugging Jerome ]
Michael McCune: Thank you!
Jerome Gant: That’s nice!
Nancy Pelosi: This is — this is Greg Phillips, and his wife Judy. [ the Phillips’ step forward ] How did the housing market collapse affect you?
Greg Phillips: Well, my wife and I bought two dozen timeshare condos, which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them six months later for TRIPLE the purchase price, and then the real estate market tanked.
Nancy Pelosi: And you were doing this through…?
Judy Phillips: Misrepresentation.
Nancy Pelosi: Uh, no — I meant, did you do this out of your home, or…?
Judy Phillips: Out of greed.
Greg Phillips: Yes, out of greed.
Nancy Pelosi: And then, now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen timeshare condos that you can’t sell?
Judy Phillips: Unless we sold them for, like, ten per cent more than we paid.
Nancy Pelosi: So, you — you can’t make your mortgage payment?
Greg Phillips: Not without selling the boat… or putting off eseential cosmetic surgery.[ a pregnant woman joins the Phillips ]
Nancy Pelosi: And, uh — who is this?
Greg Phillips: This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.
Greg Phillips: You see… I can’t have children — without getting BAD stretch marks.
Nancy Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.[ the Phillips’ step away, as the Sandlers step forward ]
Nancy Pelosi: This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.
Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them as securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio’s worth almost nothing, though, at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.
Nancy Pelosi: My God, I am so sorry! Were you able to sell it for anything?
Herbert Sandler: Yes! For $24 billion!
Nancy Pelosi: I see. So, in that sense… you’re not here to speak as actual victims?
Herbert Sandler: [ he chuckles ] No, no, no! That would be Wachovia Bank!
Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy!
Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why — we were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.
Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s — it’s delightful to see you, Nancy![ Pelosi hugs Mrs. Sandler ]
Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans, for helping block congressional oversight of our corrupt activity. [ he and his wife step away ]
Barney Frank: Not at all! But… let me say something else here: you know, many of you are probably wondering where did that $700 billion missing from our economy go? And to help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire Hedge Funds manager, George Soros.[ George Soros steps forward ]
George Soros: So, what become of that $700 billion? Well, basically, it belongs to ME now! Actually, it’s not even American dollars any more, but Swiss francs, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.
President George W. Bush: Oh, really? That’s not good.
George Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you. [ Bush backs away ] The U.S. Dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week, either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided which yet; it would depend on how I feel.
Barney Frank: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man!
George Soros: Yes. Could I just add that, uh, even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it!
Nancy Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros, and a powerful one.
Barney Frank: You are BETTER than us!
George Soros: Mmm-hmm. [ turns to face Mr. Phillips ] Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.
Greg Phillips: Sure.
Judy Phillips: Okay![ dissolve to C-Span graphic card ]
Announcer: We will now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy issues already in progress, where Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.[ fade ]