Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 33: Episode 12
A Couple of A-Holes Do Karaoke
Peter Pops…..Steve Carell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on sign: “Karaoke Tonight” ] [ dissolve to Timone singing Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” onstage ]
Timone: That was for you, Anna Nicole Smith — we miss you, baby! [ he pounds his chest ] [ Peter Popps, the emcee, steps up on stage ]
Peter Pops: Let’s give it up for Timone! so much emotion in that young man every single week! Alright — if you’ve just arrived, I’m your host, Peter Pops. Welcome to Karaoke — and I hope you can carry… a tune. Okie?
Voice: You used that joke last week!
Peter Pops: [ he chuckles ] It’s Random Draw Night, which means it’s not first-come, first-sing. So, next up — and I hope that you are ready — [ he reaches into the fishbowl and pulls out a slip of paper ] And… okay. There’s gum on this. Who did this?
Male A-Hole: That’s us, bro! [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Ready to sing, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah![ Cut to a slide which looks like a karaoke screen with title captions on it ]
Announcer: [ cheerfully ] And now… Two A-Holes do Karaoke.[ dissolve back to karaoke bar ]
Peter Pops: Alright. Looks like we got a couple first-timers. You know me — I’m Peter Pops. And you are?
Male A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Bored.
Female A-Hole: It’s so stupid in here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do something to make it SUCK less.
Peter Pops: [ chuckles ] Alright, I’m trying. Um — do you have a song that you would like to sing?
Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?
Female A-Hole: Where are our outfits?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where do we change?
Female A-Hole: I won’t wear wool.
Male A-Hole: She’s afraid of sheep.
Peter Pops: Okay. Yeah. No, you don’t change clothes. Have you ever seen karaoke?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know this stuff.
Peter Pops: Okay, good.
Male A-Hole: So where’s the band?
Female A-Hole: I wanna play bongos.
Peter Pops: Nnnnno. no, this is karaoke, there’s no band.
Male A-Hole: Alright, he fired the band, babe.
Peter Pops: No. No. I didn’t fire anybody.
Male A-Hole: Oh, they quit, huh?
Peter Pops: No. No. Nobdy quit. There’s no band.
Male A-Hole: What, are they on strike? Is there a union thing?
Peter Pops: [ aggravated ] There’s no band!
Male A-Hole: Was it a plane crash, like “La Bamba”? Aaliyah? What, too soon?
Peter Pops: No. Alright, now listen to me: there is no band, the music is played from C… Ds.
Male A-Hole: CDs, huh? Like CDs nuts? [ he laughs smugly ]
Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. You need to give me the name of your song, or we’re gonna have to move on to somebody else.
Male A-Hole: [ turns to Female A-Hole ] You ready, babe? [ she looks at him but doesn’t respond ] Ready to do some karry-okes? [ silence as she chews with her mouth open ] You ready to roke it, babe? Get our roke on? [ she continues chewing silently ] Babe? Roke?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yea-ah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re ready.
Peter Pops: O-kay. Well, then what would you like to do?
Male A-Hole: What do you want to do, babe?
Female A-Hole: I wanna do stand-up.
Male A-Hole: She wants to tell some jokes.
Peter Pops: Okay — no, lady. You’re supposed to sing.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna tell jokes instead. Watch. [ he grabs the microphone and brings it closer ] Hey, babe, what are you afraid of?
Female A-Hole: Sheep.
Male A-Hole: Oh, yeah? What kind of dreams they give ya?
Female A-Hole: Ba-a-a-a-add.[ people in the crowd begin to laugh ]
Peter Pops: No! Don’t laugh!
Male A-Hole: Yeah, pretty good, huh?
Peter Pops: No, she’s awful, in many ways.
Male A-Hole: You wanna see her impressions?
Peter Pops: I’d rather not.
Male A-Hole: Okay. [ turns to Female A-Hole ] Babe, do a cow eating grass.
Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open ] “Moo.”
Male A-Hole: [ chuckles ] Huh! Boo-yah! Yeah. Now, do Yoda eating grass.
Female A-Hole: [ chewing with her mouth open, and raises her hands next to her ears ] “Moo.”
Male A-Hole: Yeah! May the force be with you, babe!
Female A-Hole: And also with you.
Peter Pops: Alright, the two of you are going to have to leave! Next!
Male A-Hole: Uh, no — we’re gonna sing now.
Peter Pops: Oh. Okay. Fine, what’s your song?
Male A-Hole: You got a song, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, don’t worry, she’s got one.
Peter Pops: [ fuming ] What is it?
Male A-Hole: Tell him, babe.
Female A-Hole: Guess.
Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess.
Peter Pops: Uh — what? I don’t know. “Baby Got Back”?
Female A-Hole: No.
Male A-Hole: No.
Peter Pops: Uhhh — “Since U Been Gone”?
Female A-Hole: Uh-uh.
Male A-Hole: Wrong.
Peter Pops: “Brown Eyed Girl”?
Female A-Hole: Ew!
Male A-Hole: That song’s gross!
Female A-Hole: It’s about butt sex.
Male A-Hole: Yeah.
Peter Pops: NO!! No, it is NOT about — okay, alright, okay… okay. Um — why am I guessing? Just tell me what the song is!
Female A-Hole: I want to sing “Baby Got Back”.
Peter Pops: [ aghast ] I said that! That’s the first one I said!
Female A-Hole: You said “Baby Got Back”.
Peter Pops: Yeah. So?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] It’s “Baby Got Baaaack“.
Peter Pops: Okay. Okay. Whatever. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen — “Baby Got Back”![ Peter Pops steps off stage as the song begins ] [ the music plays, but the Two A-Holes don’t say a word ] [ steam blows out of Peter Pops’ ears ] [ suddenly, Peter Pops jumps onstage and begins blurting out lyrics from “Baby Got Back” ]
Peter Pops: Okay, okay — get out! Get out of here!
Male A-Hole: Okay, let’s go, babe, they’re closing.
Peter Pops: No! No! We are NOT closing! YOU’RE closing! I am closing YOU down! You ruined it! You ruined the ONLY thing that I love! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ to Peter Pops ] You look like Eddie Rabbitt.
Peter Pops: ROT IN HELL!!![ Peter Pops runs off stage ]
Male A-Hole: [ chuckling ] Say good night, babe.
Female A-Hole: [ into the mike ] Good night, babe.[ the crowd cheers for them ] [ fade ]