SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: MacGruber II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

His co-workers are buzzing ‘bout his total incompetence!
He’s trying to ignore it but it really hurts his feelings!
He’s lashing out at everyone!

[CUT to MacGruber giving a pixellated finger to the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned paint factory. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Paint Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Paint Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!

MacGruber: Yeah, I’m not an idiot, Isaac, okay? I know the door won’t budge.

Vicky: Uh, MacGruber, from the looks of this booby-trapped RPG, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Oh my God, you too, Vicky? Is that how this is gonna be?

Vicky: I was just giving the time.

MacGruber: Yeah, no, I know what you were doing and I know who put you up to it. But I wanna thank you both for this, because now I know that I am the only person I can trust. So, I will be making the decisions today, okay? So, uh, Vicky, ga… gimme the, tha… mmh… oh my God, they all look like they could help, uh… ah… mmh… oh I can’t do this, no I can! I can do this! I can do this, I can do this… uh… Make a decision! [mumbling] Okay Vicky, hand me the shammy! Hand me the shammy, hand me the shammy!

Vicky: There you go MacGruber!

[MacGruber breaks into tears]

Isaac: Oh my God, MacGruber, are you crying?

MacGruber: Oh, what are you gonna do everybody? You’re gonna tell all your little friends?! No, this is not easy, you think you can do better?

Isaac: I literally couldn’t do any worse than you did.

MacGruber: Oh then be my friggin’ guest!

Isaac: Okay, great.

MacGruber: Be my guest.

Isaac: Okay, why don’t we switch, alright, great.

[ they switch sides ]

Vicky: 10 seconds, Isaac!

Isaac: Uh… hand me all that stuff over there, okay just hand it over. Okay, okay, great.

MacGruber: Do you need anything from over here? Can I help you in any way?

Isaac: No, I’m fine with your stuff.

MacGruber: Okay great, well then I’ll just wait over here until the explosion.

Isaac: Okay.

Vicky: 5 seconds!

MacGruber: Four… three…

Isaac: You’re not helping!

MacGruber: Two… one… kaboom. [ no explosion ] Oh, I… guess Vicky’s count was a little…

[CUT to the paint factory exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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