SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/15/08: MacGruber


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey


MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching poses against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned bank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Bank.” CUT to a sign marked “Bank Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] Come on! MacGruber, this door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that detonator, this whole place is gonna blow in 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Well, I know one thing that’s not gonna blow, and that’s our cool. So just stay calm because we will get out of here. [mutters to himself ] We will, we will…

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, we can do this… [ silently ] right?

Isaac: Are you asking us or telling us?

MacGruber: I’m sorry, I just heard from a little birdie that, uh, somebody was talking smack behind my back the other day and, uh, you know, it was very hurtful what they were saying, so…

Isaac: Can we talk about this later? This isn’t really relevant right now.

MacGruber: Well, actually it is! It was about my job performance, so I’d say it’s very relevant right now.

Vicky: 10 seconds MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine, okay, fine! Uh — uh — uh, Isaac! Hand me that chalk!

Isaac: Coming right out MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, that hairbrush!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Isaac! Okay, look, I’m just gonna lay out my cards on the table here. That little birdie was my friend Brad, and he said that the person talking behind my back… was you.

Isaac: Uh…

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, forget it, I don’t care what you think, anyway! Okay? Because I’m very good at my job! [ mopey ] Do you really think I’m not good at my j…

[CUT to the bank exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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