SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 03/17/07: CBS Cares


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

CBS Cares

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[FADE IN on a sound studio as Julia walks in from the left and greets the director.]

Mike: Julia, hi. [shakes her hand]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi.

Mike: Mike Underballs.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, hi!

Mike: I’m the director.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yes, Mr. Underballs, so nice to meet you.

Mike: Please, my dad’s Mr. Underballs. Call me Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, okay.

Mike: First of all, thank you so much for doing this PSA.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my pleasure.

Mike: Did you get a script?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, it looks great!

Mike: Okay, think we can do a take?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely, yeah.

Mike: [to crew] All right, guys, let’s go, people! CBS Cares, Julia Louis-Dreyfus… [walks to chair] Take one!

[Mike takes his seat while Julia clears her throat softly and a crew member positions the boom mike above her head.]

Mike: And… action!

[CUT to Julia as soft piano music rises.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

[While she talks, the boom mike drops down into the shot just left of her head.]

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: All right, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Julia, that was perfect.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks.

Mike: Unfortunately, we had a little boom in the shot.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ooooh.

Mike: [to boom guy] Um… you on that, Jeff?

Jeff: [tightly] Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike, that’s my bad.

Mike: Okay, let’s, uh, get it right this time, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS C–CBS Cares…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.

Mike: Take two!


Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little–oops!

[The boom mike drops down and bumps her in the forehead.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, dear. I think he hit me. I don’t…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I dunno if you… wanna…

Mike: Jeff. What’s goin’ on, buddy? Everything okay?

Jeff: Sorry, Mike, that’s my fault. I’m a little fatigued in the upper body. I rocked the bejeezus out of my delta at the gym today.

Mike: Okay, just hang in there, okay?

Jeff: Yeah, no problem, Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, God, tough to be the boom guy, right?

Jeff: [with an attitude] “Boom guy.” Yeah, I’ve got a name.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, sorry, I was just–

Mike: Okay, okay, let’s just get this done, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS Cares… take three!


Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, a little pre–vent–

[The boom drops down, hits her in the nose, and pokes around in her face.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [pushing away microphone] Whoops. Hey, hey! You gonna yell “cut,” or…

Mike: Whoa, whoa– Hey, hey, hey, c’mon!

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Cut! [losing patience] Jeff! What’s goin’ on, buddy?

Jeff: Oh, c’mon, Mike! She’s talkin’ so soft I gotta get in there. I mean… what’s the point of watchin’ TV if you can’t hear it, right?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I was speaking in my normal voice!

Jeff: Hey, Dreyfus? Butt out!! Immediately! Just stand there and look pretty, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Excuse ME?!

Jeff: [struts away] Yeah.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Mike] What? Are you gonna say something here?

Mike: Okay, look, look, it’s been a long day, let’s just get this done, and we’ll all go home.

Jeff: I’m agreein’, I’m agreein’ with you, Mike.

Mike: Look, hey, hey. JEFF? If you can’t hold the mike above the frame, then… let’s give it a try under, okay, sound good?

Jeff: You’re the–you’re the director, man.

Mike: All right.

[Jeff repositions the boom down in front of Julia’s legs.]

Jeff: You want it up and under, I got no problem with that.

Mike: Okay, great. Thank you, thank you.

[Audience titters in anticipation.]

Jeff: [to Julia] You okay with that?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I guess–

Jeff: Nobody cares.


Mike: Hey, c’mon. C’mon. Let’s just go, okay? [sighs deeply] Please. CBS Cares, take four.


Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have the yearly mammogram.

[Jeff’s boom suddenly pops up and pokes her left breast.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Because–hey! Hey!

[She bats the mike away as Jeff keeps bumping her body with it.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Cut it out!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: C’mon!! What the hell–

Mike: [walks toward her] C’mon, c’mon…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, okay. We don’t need the jingle on every bad take! Okay?


Mike: JEFF? I’m gonna ask you one more time, man, what’s goin’ on?

Jeff: Well, she’s talkin’ about her boobs, Mike. Y’know, I thought it’d help if I point ’em out a little.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, good Lord.


Mike: Okay, okay, Jeff, I need you to keep the mike completely out of the shot–otherwise, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Jeff: Mm-hm.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you.

Mike: Think you can do that?

Jeff: Okay, Mike. I’m gonna do it as a favor to you.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, well, you know what, you should do it because it’s your job.

Jeff: Hey, Elaine?!


Jeff: If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay!

[laughter and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna handle this?

Mike: Let’s focus up! Let’s focus up!


Julia Louis-Dreyfus: All right…

Jeff: BIG TIME!!

Mike: JEFF?! I need you to ignore her, okay?!

Jeff: Can do.

Mike: You’re doing a great job, by the way, Julia.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks. Okay, I only have one more take in me, all right? Then you can get Katie Couric, or something.

Jeff: Hey, fine with me, Mike!

Mike: Okay, okay, c’mon! Last take. CBS Cares, take five.


Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [fights for composure] If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

Mike: Cut! Great!

[CUT to a wider shot as the music stops before the jingle. Jeff has positioned the boom right in front of Julia’s crotch, and he is waving it up and down suggestively.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No one can see this, right?


Mike: Nope! You look great!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay. [shoves the boom away] You know what, just get that away–get it away from me!

Jeff: What are you doing?

Mike: [rushes up between them] That’s a wrap, folks, we got it, we got it!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Jeff] You stay back from me!

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[ZOOM OUT over riotous cheers and applause.]

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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