Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 6
What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot
Leonard Kelly…..Jason Sudekis
Teri Hatcher…..Eva Longoria
Marcia Cross…..Amy Poehler
Eva Longoria…..Rachel Dratch
Felicity Huffman…..Kristin Wiig
Nicolette Sheridan…..Seth Meyers
[open on title screen with voice over: “And Now, The Question All Of Planet Earth Wants Answered…What Really Happened At The “Desperate Housewives” Vanity Fair Photo Shoot]
[dissolve to photo shoot, set up as a poolside patio, with two assistants setting up props]
Mark: [entering] All right, that looks great. Okay, just leave that. Thanks.
[title: “‘Vanity Fair’ Photo Shoot,” “February 12, 2005”]
Leonard: [enters, holding folder] Hey, Mark. Hello, I’m Leonard Kelly, publicist with ABC. We are so excited about the “Vanity Fair” cover. We can’t even tell you.
Mark: Oh, great, thanks.
Leonard: Uh, just a couple things I want to go over before the “Desperate Housewives” themselves get here, okay? Uh, let’s see. [opens folder] Number one, Teri Hatcher cannot be in the middle of the picture, okay?
Mark: [surprised] Okay.
Leonard: All right. Because if she is, the other four ladies will sue you. [laughs, and photographer joines in] That’s not a joke.
Leonard: Not a joke. Number two, you cannot digitally replace any of the ladies’ heads with an extra Teri Hatcher head.
Mark: Why would I do that?
Leonard: I don’t know, but it’s happened to us before, okay?
Teri Hatcher: [enters, wearing a white bathrobe] Hi Mark. I’m Teri Hatcher. [shakes his hand] I’m so excited to be photographed by you. [removes bathrobe to reveal a red bathing suit] Ready when you are.
Mark: Uh, I thought we’d wait for the other ladies.
Teri Hatcher: Have it your way.
Marcia Cross: [enters wearing a white bathrobe over a green bathing suit] Hi, hello, Mark. I’m Marcia Cross [shakes his hand], and I think this shoot is going to be tremendously fun. A few of our castmates can be a little bit difficult, but I’m the easygoing and normal one.
Eva Longoria: [enters wearing a black bathing suit and typing into a PDA] Hi, I’m Eva Longoria. Thank you so much for doing this shoot. I hear you’re really amazing. [extends a hand to shake without looking up from the PDA]
[Mark steps forward slightly and Leonard pulls Eva’s hand towards Mark to complete the shake]
Mark: Thanks. You are, too.
Marcia Cross: Oh, am I not amazing, Mark?
Marcia Cross: Am I less than amazing? I mean, Eva’s amazing, you’re amazing, and am I just a little sesame seed in a dog’s excrement?
Mark: No, that’s not what I meant at all.
Marcia Cross: Okay, my mistake. Carry on!
Felicity Huffman: [enters wearing a white bathrobe and shakes Mark’s hand] Hi, I’m Felicity Huffman. Please don’t make me do anything dumb. [turns away]
[Nicolette enters wearing a white bathing suit]
Mark: And you must be Nicolette Sheridan.
Nicolette Sheridan: [with very deep voice, used throughout] Where do I stand, sweetheart?
Mark: Uh, wherever you want. You know, let’s just start with whatever pose feels natural, okay? [women who are still wearing bathrobes remove them, and Felicity is now wearing a pink bathing suit] You know, use the way you guys actually feel about each other. Okay. [Eva and Teri begin jostling each other] And, go! [Eva and Teri start strangling each other, Nicolette looms horrifically over a languidly terrified Marcia, and Felicity puts her fingers to her head as if they were a gun, while flash photographs are taken] Okay, okay, maybe I should place you. You know what, Eva, I thought you would look great leaning against this chaise.
Eva Longoria: [pulling PDA from a pocket and typing] Oh, that sounds great. I love that.
Leonard: [holding a smaller PDA] Okay, Mark? Eva is text messaging me that she does not want to sit on the chaise.
Mark: You don’t like the chaise idea?
Eva Longoria: [typing] No, I love it. I think it’s genius.
Leonard: Eva is texting me that she wants to be in the front, or she will leave.
Mark: Let’s have you lay across the front.
Eva Longoria: Ooh, fun!
Teri Hatcher: Oh, I know! What if I’m in the middle, Mark?
[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]
Mark: Let’s have Teri–
Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t have Teri next to Marcia, because it makes Teri feel like her head is too small.
Teri Hatcher: Leonard, does my head look too small?
Leonard: I’m on it!
Mark: Okay, Felicity, how about–
Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t put Felicity next to Eva, because Felicity is allergic to Eva’s perfume.
Nicolette Sheridan: Let’s get this going before I have to shave my legs again.
Teri Hatcher: Okay, can I just say [walks towards center of shot] I am so happy to be with you guys [steps forward], and to have my comeback. [smiles and poses]
[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]
Mark: Nicolette, let’s have you sit–
Leonard: No, no, no, I’m sorry, you can’t have Nicolette sitting or you’ll see her package. [points downward]
Nicolette Sheridan: I don’t want them to see my balls, Leonard.
Leonard: I’m on it!
Nicolette Sheridan: Thank you.
Mark: Okay, Marcia, how about you move about two inches to the left. [Marcia screams theatrically] Or not.
Teri Hatcher: Oh, Marcia, don’t cry! [rushes up to her] We’re all here together. [steps forward and poses]
Marcia Cross: Get her out of the middle!
[other housewives scream, “Nooooo!!!” and Nicolette picks Teri up and moves her to the edge of the shot]
Mark: Let’s shoot this, ladies!
Nicolette Sheridan: I moved her!
Marcia Cross: Good job.
[woman pose as actually featured on the cover of Vanity Fair ]
Mark: Three, two, one! [bright flash]
[dissolve to photo with title: “Vanity Fair,” and article titles, including “Housewife Confidential!” matching actual Vanity Fair cover]
Submitted by: DavidK93